My two worlds

Every parent will tell you that each of their children, no matter how many, have individual personalities. From a very young age, talents and tendencies emerge. Good parents will tune into these and will tailor their parenting skills for each child. It's a tricky process evaluating each one and learning how to diversify sufficiently in order to offer each one the things that they need to grow up well-adjusted.

Now enter autism. Not only do I have three kids to evaluate individually, but their list of needs is significantly broader. And this often leaves me straddling a great divide between two very different worlds.

On one side, I stand in the "normal" world. I shuttle carpools of soccer kids, bake cookies for Kindergarten parties, try to understand my preteen, live at Target, struggle to keep my house clean, and compare notes and complaints with other "typical" school moms.

On the other side, I stand in the "special ed" world. I shuttle my kid to therapy groups and evaluations, listen as his teacher details his 30 minute meltdown, patiently teach him how to shower himself, keep up to speed on new meds, and wish he was invited to more birthday parties.

I have to stop and say: I am very blessed with friends in both worlds. Awesome, persevering, beautiful women who understand both joy and pain. They are precious to me. But more often than not I go about my dual existence, expected to shift in and out seamlessly.....each world unaware of the other.

Early last fall, I attended a meeting for homeroom mothers to kick off the school year. About 30 of us sat at tables decorated with flowers and favors and had coffee and baked goodies. Proud to be there, I took notes on the things I needed to cover in my first run as a Kindergarten homeroom mom. Then we were all asked to introduce ourselves and tell which classes our kids were in. It never fails. Every time I'm asked to do that I immediately feel the weight of my other world. I have two kids at that school. And another one who isn't privileged to go there. Yet I can't help but mention all three, and as I explain that my middle son has autism and goes to another school it's as if the weight of those words don't register in anyone's "regular ed" brains. I can't expect them to understand. They don't live in my other world. The words stick like a lump in my throat and I am reminded once again that my family is not "normal".

That same afternoon, I picked Joshua up from school to find out that he had a very bad day. Not dealing well with the transition to his new school, he had a major meltdown that day, trashing his classroom and slapping the glasses off of a classroom aide. I listened as his teacher explained that he had been suspended for the next school day. The following couple of weeks I would be living in my "other" world in psychiatry appointments, med adjustments, and behavioral plans -- unable to keep up with my new homeroom mom tasks in my "normal" world. While doctors and therapists are sometimes sympathetic to my busy life, I can't expect them to understand. It's all about treating my autistic kid. They don't live in my "normal" world.

So many times I find myself in these places. For the sake of my kids and their individual needs, I am required to be adept at navigating both the "normal" world and the "special ed". I have moments where I'm so tired of balancing that I just want to run from both. But I can't. This is where I live. This is who I am. I have three wonderfully different boys who depend on me.

For them, I strive to reconcile my two worlds.....trying to make my "normal" world more special and my "special" world more normal.

And hopefully we'll ALL grow up well-adjusted.