Joshua's Birthday

Joshua celebrated his 9th birthday last week -- we've just been so busy I haven't had a moment to tell everyone about it!!

He had been excited about his upcoming birthday for weeks! We celebrated by going to Dave & Buster's for lunch and video games ("Need for Speed" is his favorite -- the idea of him behind the wheel of a REAL car is quite frightening!) He redeemed his tickets and bought a crazy plush birthday hat -- a top hat with candles coming out of the top. He wore it all day! That afternoon we had some friends and family over for cake and ice cream. It was so much fun to watch him open his gifts -- his reactions to things are so entertaining! Afterwards, we watched "Alvin & the Chipmunks", which he got as a gift after we listened to him talk about wanting to see it for months.

I can't believe he's 9. Doesn't he look so much older now? He's already telling us that he'll be 10 next year. Unbelievable.

Each year of Joshua's life is a walk of faith. We don't know where God is taking him. Or us. His birthday is often a time of reflection for me. May is conveniently sandwiched between Autism Awareness month (April) and the annual Autism Walk here in Pittsburgh (June)......not to mention the anniversary of his diagnosis, which is a month away. So suffice it to say, I have a lot of thoughts on my mind at this time of year and the burden often weighs heavy on my heart.

Josh's birthday is always celebrated with much joy, but for me it has also sometimes been a reminder of loss. For a number of years, long after the birthday festivities were over, after he'd fallen asleep, I would kneel by the side of his bed and cry. I would think about how we had fought and prayed for Josh. I'd think about the milestones, some delayed but still thankfully accomplished. I'd think about how he surprised us; how he challenged us; how he made us laugh. I would think of how much I had invested and I would plead with God for exponential growth. I still do.

But something this year changed.

The week was so busy, I barely had any thoughts to myself. On Joshua's "actual birthday", life was the chaos that it always is. Josh spent the evening at Noah's soccer game and them Matt's teeball practice -- with 20 minutes for pizza in between. (And Daddy was on a business trip to boot.) But during the course of the week, I watched Josh play. I watched him have a conversation with his brother. I watched him color with his new markers. Nothing out of the ordinary. I thought about the milestones, the surprises, and the challenges. And for some reason, this year, the burden of autism did not crush me.

The Bible says: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corin. 4:7)

God has shown us so much through the life of this child in only 9 years. While I would gladly hand back autism if I could, I can't replace the measure by which God has brought me closer to Him. I'm so thankful for Joshua. We have been promised that "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." As the years pass, fear of time lost is fading away and faith is taking its place. We can't wait to see what Joshua's Maker has in mind.

Mother's Day

One of the best things about Mother's Day has to be receiving homemade gifts and cards from my kids. Every year their teachers (God bless them) come up with cutest ideas for Mother's Day crafts and the kids are so proud to bring them home to give me.

Noah

Each of the boys proudly presented me this morning with a card they had made. They were all wonderful. Joshua's was short and to the point: "Happy Mother's Day. I love you." and it included a drawing of a very large roller coaster. Matthew's was sweet with butterflies and swirly things all over it in purple. But the one that really made me laugh was Noah's. Along with "We heart you!", the inside read "Thank you for having the patence to be our mother!" I later found out that his sentiment was in direct response to a frustrating conversation I had with him recently about misplaced homework. Realizing I was only about a second away from popping that afternoon, I paused the conversation, and breathing deeply said "Noah, I'm trying to be so patient with you and I have almost no patience left!" Apparently that stuck with him! I confirmed that it does indeed take a lot of patience to be their mother and we laughed about his card all afternoon.

Joshua

Among many other sweet gifts that Joshua brought home (like planted herbs and a really awesome flower pen) from school was the foam picture frame he made. He's got a fake smile plastered ear to ear and it's precious! He was so excited about Mother's Day, mostly because he loves any chance he gets to celebrate and to do something special. Knowing that, I assumed his motives for this weekend were primarily self-centered (which kind of comes with the diagnosis and we're used to it). Yesterday, I found out otherwise. Roger and I were having a discussion about the weekend and he had been asking me about what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. I told him I was so busy this week I hadn't even thought about it, and being in somewhat of an irritated mood, and facing what seemed like a hundred "to-do's", I flippantly said "I hate Mother's Day weekend anyway!" Not paying attention to the fact that Joshua was in the room, I heard a little voice say "But......I hope you like it". The room fell silent and my heart broke. We've been talking over him for all these years. Not only did he hear me, he understood me, and despite the self-centered nature of an autistic child, he said he wanted ME to like Mother's Day. That, in itself, is a tremendous gift. Tonight, he came to hug me before going to bed. I bent down in front of him and told him "I had a great time with you today. Thank you so much. I DID like my Mother's Day!" He smiled.

Matthew

Matt is wrapping up his Kindergarten year and still is at home with me for half of the day. He has really taken off lately with reading and is doing an excellent job in school. It made me smile to see his chunky Kindergarten printing and the words: "I love my mom because she makse my food." (In the picture, I also have wild sprouting hair, which I love!) Matt is such an easy-going child. We get along very well on our afternoons together, where he's content to keep himself busy but still prefers to be in the same room with me. We chat over lunch, read books, and spend a few relaxed hours getting various things done around the house. While I looking forward to summer, I realize that I only have a few more weeks to spend with him. First grade will come too soon and my little buddy won't be with me anymore. And I miss him already.

This was my 12th Mother's Day. I remember a time when we had three babies under the age of five. Life was chaotic and exhausting -- a blur. I wished the days would come and go as quickly as possible just so I could survive them. Now I look at my boys, growing like weeds month by month, and I see three men just over the horizon. These years have gone too fast.

My two worlds

Every parent will tell you that each of their children, no matter how many, have individual personalities. From a very young age, talents and tendencies emerge. Good parents will tune into these and will tailor their parenting skills for each child. It's a tricky process evaluating each one and learning how to diversify sufficiently in order to offer each one the things that they need to grow up well-adjusted.

Now enter autism. Not only do I have three kids to evaluate individually, but their list of needs is significantly broader. And this often leaves me straddling a great divide between two very different worlds.

On one side, I stand in the "normal" world. I shuttle carpools of soccer kids, bake cookies for Kindergarten parties, try to understand my preteen, live at Target, struggle to keep my house clean, and compare notes and complaints with other "typical" school moms.

On the other side, I stand in the "special ed" world. I shuttle my kid to therapy groups and evaluations, listen as his teacher details his 30 minute meltdown, patiently teach him how to shower himself, keep up to speed on new meds, and wish he was invited to more birthday parties.

I have to stop and say: I am very blessed with friends in both worlds. Awesome, persevering, beautiful women who understand both joy and pain. They are precious to me. But more often than not I go about my dual existence, expected to shift in and out seamlessly.....each world unaware of the other.

Early last fall, I attended a meeting for homeroom mothers to kick off the school year. About 30 of us sat at tables decorated with flowers and favors and had coffee and baked goodies. Proud to be there, I took notes on the things I needed to cover in my first run as a Kindergarten homeroom mom. Then we were all asked to introduce ourselves and tell which classes our kids were in. It never fails. Every time I'm asked to do that I immediately feel the weight of my other world. I have two kids at that school. And another one who isn't privileged to go there. Yet I can't help but mention all three, and as I explain that my middle son has autism and goes to another school it's as if the weight of those words don't register in anyone's "regular ed" brains. I can't expect them to understand. They don't live in my other world. The words stick like a lump in my throat and I am reminded once again that my family is not "normal".

That same afternoon, I picked Joshua up from school to find out that he had a very bad day. Not dealing well with the transition to his new school, he had a major meltdown that day, trashing his classroom and slapping the glasses off of a classroom aide. I listened as his teacher explained that he had been suspended for the next school day. The following couple of weeks I would be living in my "other" world in psychiatry appointments, med adjustments, and behavioral plans -- unable to keep up with my new homeroom mom tasks in my "normal" world. While doctors and therapists are sometimes sympathetic to my busy life, I can't expect them to understand. It's all about treating my autistic kid. They don't live in my "normal" world.

So many times I find myself in these places. For the sake of my kids and their individual needs, I am required to be adept at navigating both the "normal" world and the "special ed". I have moments where I'm so tired of balancing that I just want to run from both. But I can't. This is where I live. This is who I am. I have three wonderfully different boys who depend on me.

For them, I strive to reconcile my two worlds.....trying to make my "normal" world more special and my "special" world more normal.

And hopefully we'll ALL grow up well-adjusted.

Today's Events:

Kindergarten Mother's Day program
(see the self portrait of me and Matt above!)

5th grade Mother's Day program
(including a perfomance from Noah's rhythm emsemble)

Eden 5-6 grade soccer team away game vs. Aquinas (Noah)

Brighton Heights teeball practice (Matthew)

ACAC Kids' Choir Concert (Joshua)

My Eleven Year-Old

Noah celebrated his 11th birthday last Wednesday!

I wish I could say it was with much pomp and circumstance, but our mid-week schedule didn't leave much room. He went straight from school to soccer practice to church clubs. We did add in some fun and little surprises that day and on into the weekend though, including giant rice krispie treats for his soccer carpool, cards from family, a morning at the mall with mom, getting a new (used) bike, movie and game night with the family including "School of Rock" on DVD, the school Walkathon, a classmate's Laser Storm party, and the icing on the cake -- purchasing his new red and black Nintendo DS lite -- which he immediately took out of the box on the way home in the van and declared it "breath-taking"(insert drool here).

Hard to believe the silly-faced toddler in the picture is now an 11-year old preteen. Almost a middle-schooler!!! At least he still has a silly face.

Noah and Matt say thanks!

Thanks to all of you who sponsored Noah and Matthew for their school's Walkathon -- they had a GREAT time!

As many of you know, Roger and I made the decision this year to focus on Eden's Walk instead of building another autism team this year. While we love walking in support of autism research, we felt it was time to honor Noah and Matt. We have three boys and they are ALL important!

Daddy took the day off from work yesterday so that we could participate with both boys. Matthew, Roger, and I walked with Kindergarten classmates and their families. Older kids were allowed to participate with wheels, so Noah biked the whole morning with his fifth grade friends and caught up with us in between laps. The day was overcast, but there was no rain and the company of friends was great!

Noah and Matt were so happy to be there..... and they have been so excited to see donations coming in addressed to them. Both boys earned Walkathon t-shirts and even more exciting -- tickets to Kennywood!!!! Thanks to all of you for making it possible!

Welcome

Family and friends,

Life moves so fast!! Days and months pass by and we hardly know where the time has gone. It seems a shame to waste all of the wonderful little things that we see on a day to day basis as our kids continue to grow and change. So I thought I'd document it -- and share it with all of you! Feel free to check in as often as you'd like and see what's going on with "The Walburns"

Kelly